Why We Don't Have Fire Drills
by Red Witch
Summary: Another meeting where nothing gets accomplished and some more stuff gets destroyed. Or barbecued.


**Cheryl burned the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some madness that takes place after Nellis and before Pocket Listing. It's my explanation of…**

 **Why We Don't Have Fire Drills**

"All right this meeting is now in session," Mallory Archer sat at her desk. She looked and saw Lana and Cyril sitting in front of her and Ray leaning on the wall next to her. "Or maybe not. Where's Pam?"

"She's having an indoor barbecue with Krieger in the break room," Cyril explained.

"Please tell me they're not barbecuing one of Krieger's damn failed experiments," Mallory groaned. "Again!"

"I wish I could," Cyril sighed. "I really wish I could."

"Ewwwww…" Everyone else in the room shuddered.

"Oh fine. Those two aren't needed anyway. And I could do without Cheryl for an afternoon so…" Then Mallory noticed something.

"Where's Sterling?" Mallory looked around. "I asked him to be at this meeting. Of course I ask him to do a lot of things but he doesn't do them. Story of my life. I ask my son to do something simple and he disappoints me. So what is he doing that's making him late? Or should I say **who** he's doing?"

"Isn't it technically whom he's doing?" Cyril spoke up.

"Who the hell cares? Where is he?" Mallory asked.

"Well I haven't seen him at work all day so…" Ray shrugged. "What time does the nearest stripper bar open?"

"Well since it's a Tuesday it should be Rockin' Rita's at…." Cyril began.

"Never mind!" Mallory interrupted. "Might as well get started. In fact with Sterling absent as well as Pam and the other mindless drones we might actually accomplish something today!"

"And that is…?" Lana asked.

"Accomplishing something today," Mallory grumbled. "Actually doing some **real work** around this office."

"Like what?" Ray asked. "There's no reports to work on. No files to sort."

"Our budget if you can call it that is basically you asking the CIA or Ron to pay for things," Cyril added.

"The CIA doesn't even want us to record or have any kind of written proof of our missions at all," Lana added. "Which in itself is a huge red flag."

"Oh here we go again," Mallory groaned. "All aboard the 11:15 Paranoia Express!"

"You don't think it's a little weird that the CIA's instructions are to burn our dossiers after reading?" Lana asked. "Or in Archer's case ignoring?"

"They're highly classified secret missions," Mallory said.

"Which the government can easily deny if and when something goes wrong!" Lana barked.

"Well then something better **not** go wrong!" Mallory barked.

"With our luck? Yeah right," Ray scoffed.

"We're pretty screwed," Cyril agreed.

"Since day one we've been treated like second class agents doing third class work!" Lana barked.

"Gee why would the CIA **not** like us?" Ray drawled. "We only lost them a literal tonne of cocaine and made absolutely no profit off of selling it. Completely screwed up their drugs for arms trade in San Marcos. Started a coup and launched a rocket which almost had nerve gas on it…"

"Your point?" Mallory folded her arms.

"I just have this feeling that sooner or later the other shoe is going to drop and the next thing you know, we're going to be in real trouble!" Lana said. "And it won't be your **friends** at the CIA that will help us!"

"Lana does kind of have a point," Ray admitted. "Maybe we shouldn't put all our eggs in one basket?"

"What? We should open another drug farm?" Mallory asked. "Because we all know how **that** ended for your idiot hillbilly brother!"

"We were selling drugs for the CIA so they could get a bigger budget," Ray gave her a look. "You don't exactly have the moral high ground on this."

"You're right," Mallory groaned. "Apparently your brother was **more successful** at it than you lot! Well until the authorities arrested him but still…"

"What we're saying is maybe we should just for the hell of it…Look at other possible options?" Lana spoke up. "Maybe you could make some calls? Check around other agencies…Maybe look into actually getting us certified as a **real** intelligence agency so we can **legally** do other missions for **other** people?"

"What do you think I do all day? On second thought, don't answer that!" Mallory groaned. "Of course I've been calling around! But thanks to Sterling and all your little…mishaps over the years I've had to trade favors and deals just to keep us out of jail! And that little **detour** to Nellis Air Force Base and Branson wasn't exactly helpful!"

"Don't look at me!" Lana protested. "I was right here. The **only one** left here in the office!" She glared at Ray and Cyril.

"Well…I had to fly the plane," Ray said sheepishly.

"I wasn't going to be left alone…" Cyril said at the same time.

"My point is thanks to you lot the clout I used to have among the intelligence community has diminished **severely** over the past few years!" Mallory snarled. "All of Sterling's carelessness and philandering as well as your collective jack-assery has driven this agency's once…And I only say this word to make a point… **sterling** reputation into the ground."

Mallory took a drink. "Admittedly the blame is 60-40 in favor of Sterling but you all have had more than your share of the blame as well."

Then Mallory sighed. "And it doesn't help that some of my former contacts have either died or…are no longer interested in what I have to offer."

"TMI!" Ray winced.

"The bottom line is this partnership with the CIA is basically our last chance in the espionage field. And that is why we need to do **something** productive today!" Mallory snapped. "Anything productive! What about a fire drill?"

"Are you out of your mind?" Lana blinked.

"Obviously that's a rhetorical question," Ray groaned.

"What?" Mallory asked.

"Have you forgotten what happened the **last time** we had a fire drill around here?" Ray gave her a look.

"What do you…?" Mallory began. "Oh dear God it's coming back to me."

Let's go back to that fire drill shall we?

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" A man ran around on fire.

Half the bullpen was on fire. Fire alarms were going off everywhere. Smoke filled the building. And Cheryl was laughing manically in the distance.

"BAAAAAAA!" A sheep ran around on fire. And that sheep set fire to more objects.

"SHEEPLY!" Krieger was shouting. "NOOOO!"

Back to the present.

"Oh God. I actually blacked out that day in my memory and now it's all coming back again," Mallory shuddered.

"That was not one of our better ideas," Lana groaned. "What was the point in setting the sheep on fire?"

"Krieger was trying to genetically create flame retardant wool," Ray explained. "Didn't work."

"Another one of Krieger's experiments that got barbecued," Cyril groaned.

"To this day I can still smell that intern's burnt flesh in the hall," Mallory groaned.

"I think that's just Pam's barbecue," Ray said. "But yeah a fire drill of any kind is a bad idea."

"We can't afford another fire drill," Cyril groaned. "I know for a fact the CIA won't pay ten million dollars to renovate our office a second time!"

"No, they won't," Mallory groaned. "Okay so no fire drills."

"Did I hear you say we're going to have a **fire drill**?" Cheryl poked her head in and squealed with glee. "EEEEEEE!"

 **"NO!"** Everyone in the room shouted.

"We are **not** having a fire drill!" Mallory shouted. "There will be **no** fire drills today or any other day!"

"But…" Cheryl began.

"No!" Mallory snapped.

"Okay. So there won't be any fire drills…" Cheryl thought aloud.

"And no **actual fires** Cheryl!" Lana barked.

"Aw man," Cheryl pouted and left the room.

"Ugh, that was a close one," Lana groaned.

"Okay we'll do **something else** productive," Mallory groaned as she poured herself another drink.

"How about we put Cheryl on some new medication?" Ray quipped.

"Don't think I haven't thought of that!" Mallory groaned. "But since our health insurance…if you can call it that is literally the worst plan in the world we'd have to go with one of Krieger's concoctions. And the last time we tried that things got weird."

"Oh right. The whole werewolf thing," Ray remembered.

"Still I'm not opposed to locking Cheryl in the vault," Mallory admitted. "But come on. We need to come up with something to do today that's actually productive. Anything!"

"What about watching that Vision Quest movie we never got around to watching?" Lana suggested.

"Forget it. It's going to take more than a movie to make you idiots get your act together," Mallory grumbled.

"How about a couple of movies?" Ray suggested.

"As much as I'd **love** to spend the afternoon watching a Barbra Streisand movie marathon I'll pass!" Mallory snapped.

"Actually I was thinking more Rock Hudson…" Ray admitted.

"I could go for some romantic comedies," Cyril spoke up.

"Ooh! We could do a Rock Hudson and Doris Day marathon!" Ray gasped. "Send Me No Flowers! Lover Come Back!"

"Pillow Talk…" Cyril agreed.

"I don't know what's more disturbing," Mallory grumbled. "Your choice in movies…Or the fact I'm actually considering it. It's not like that many movies nowadays are that good…No! No! We don't have time for this! Now focus!"

"Are you trying to take an office picture again?" Archer walked in. "Because we all know how that ended!"

"Oh look who finally decided to show up!" Mallory snapped before another flashback could occur. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Getting barbecue sauce for Krieger," Archer shrugged. "He's really particular about what brands go with reptile meat."

"Eww…" Mallory shuddered. "Reason Number 8 why I don't let Krieger cook!"

"So did I miss anything?" Archer asked Lana.

"Not really. It was basically Mallory lecturing," Lana started. "Then complaining about you."

"Lana lecturing and whining," Mallory added. "Me explaining for the thousandth time how you people ruined my life! These two wanting to run a romantic comedy movie marathon. Insert gay joke. Cheryl wanting to set something on fire. More self-righteous whining from Lana. And now you're caught up."

"Oh right," Archer frowned. "Are we having another fire drill or something? Because you know how the last one ended up."

"I am well aware and no we are **not**!" Mallory snapped.

"Well then somebody better tell Cheryl that," Archer pointed out the door. "Because as I was walking in she was trying to do something with the electrical systems. Said something about a fire drill and…"

Just then a fire alarm went off. "CHERYL!" Mallory screamed. "GO! GO STOP HER NOW!"

Ray, Cyril and Archer ran to get her. "IT'S NOT ME YET!" Cheryl yelled.

"Uh yeah our barbecue got a little out of hand!" Pam called out. "Anybody seen the fire extinguisher?"

"Didn't we sell that the other day?" Krieger was heard shouting.

"WHAT? Oh for crying out…I can smell the smoke!" Lana went to check on it.

"FIRE DRILL! FIRE DRILL! FIRE DRILL!" Cheryl was cackling.

"CHERYL NO!" Ray shouted.

"IT'S NOT A FIRE DRILL SO PUT THE LIGHTER DOWN!" Archer shouted. "DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU CHERYL!"

"WHERE DID SHE GET A LIGHTER? SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THOSE!" Cyril yelled. "AAAAAH!"

"CHERYL! NO! NO SETTING CYRIL ON FIRE!" Lana yelled. "COME BACK HERE!"

"Aw man! My barbecued mutant sewer alligator is gonna be ruined now!" Krieger groaned.

"Now that I think about it maybe that estimate is more 55-45?" Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "Still Sterling comes out ahead."


End file.
